Who will win the next Nobel Peace Prize?

Now that the Nobel Peace Prize is officially the most arbitrary and meaningless award in the world, having been awarded to Barack Obama for his “exceptional intentions” despite the fact that he hasn’t actually achieved anything (except getting the French to mock the USA for being weak), it’s time to play a fun game!  Who will be the next extremely ideological person to win the Nobel Peace Prize despite accomplishing nothing?

In 2007, the award went to Al Gore for… making a movie in which he makes a speech about an unproven scientific theory and using footage from a Hollywood film that was created on a computer to “prove” his point.

In 2009, Barack Obama won for… making a speech in Cairo about how he wants to make friends with the Muslim world, making a speech about nuclear disarmament while allowing the worlds two most dangerous dictators to develop nuclear capabilities, and making a speech about cutting greenhouse emissions without proposing specific policy measures or committing to any action whatsoever.

So let’s see who the candidates for the next awards might be.

Clearly the Nobel prize committee likes speeches, and based on the Gore/Obama prototype, we’re looking for people with cultlike followings.

Hmm… prime candidate #1: Lyndon LaRouche, America’s #1 cult leader.  He stands for Anti-Semitism and extreme socialism, and given Obama’s love of screwing over Israel and, well… socialism, I’d have to say he’s a perfect fit.  He doesn’t like the global warming theory, so that’s a strike against him, but a pretty strong candidate nonetheless.

Next up we have Charlie Rangel, the head of the House Ways and Means committe and a known tax fraud.  His hobbies include using multiple rent-controlled apartments as offices, failing to disclose $500,000 in assets to the IRS, and lying on his tax returns.   Has he ever killed a puppy?  Probably.  Nomination granted.

Next up, we have Sarah Palin, the dumbest person to ever run for a national office in the United States (barely edging out Nancy Pelosi, who actually won).  Her hobbies include lying about the circumstances of her pregnancy, condoning redneck love-making in the Alaskan governor’s mansion, and spying on Vladimir Putin with the world’s strongest set of binoculars.  She still needs to do something special to win the award though, I think winning the Miss Teen South Carolina pageant should do it.

And rounding out the top 4 we have the hybrid monster comprised on Mark Sanford, Rod Blagojevich, and Elliot Spitzer, with just a hint of Larry Craig.  His name is Elliart Sangocrespitz, and his favorite pasttimes are rejecting stimulus money while working hard to improve US/Argentina relations with frequent retreats on the Appalachian trail, selling political favors on craigslist, and patronizing high-end hookers in airport bathrooms.  You know what, there’s no way this guy can lose.

Welcome to Norway, where the prize named after a dynamite-inventing arms merchant isn’t even worth as much as a gold star in a special ed kindergarten classroom (except for the million dollar prize that goes with it, that’s worth… well, not as much as it used to be).

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